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Acts of God
Acts Of God or "Natural Disasters" are events that are created by God in response to his disapproval of the sinful behavior of the Immoral Minority, weed out the unfaithful, or to test his children. Atheists co-opted the phrase "Act of God" in 1912 with to disparage God's infinite wisdom, while at the same time ignoring the good God does i.e. rainbows, crop growth, and MILFS. Varieties of Acts of God Tornado Tornadoes are storms that create damaging winds. These winds so great that they are capable of lifting houses and dropping them on witches. It is for this reason that tornadoes are another way in which God "suffers not a witch to live". A popular tornado myth says that one will be safe if they go in their basement during a tornado. This may work well for a surface tornado, but it is totally ineffective against a "basement tornado" . Tornadoes aid tremendously in the otherwise stagnant rate of occupancy turnover in trailer parks. This is mainly because somehow trailer homes act as a "magnet" to tornadoes. Considering this, the most effective method of surviving a tornado remains for one to get into a car, and drive away from it...works every time! Hurricane :For more information, see main article: Hurricane " or "finders"? Don't ask Stephen. Due to his Race Blindness, he wont be able help you.]] Hurricanes are giant swirling storms which are said to originate in the fictitious continent of Africa. They give groups such as the Red Cross an opportunity to "fundraise" and stuff their coffers with the cash of sympathetic, but ignorant Americans. Hurricanes create instances of mass evacuations of millions of people, but then again so does Godzilla. Coincidentally both of these two events frequently occur in Japan. There is no wonder to why hurricanes are all named after women, they have quite a few things in common. For instance, they both have nice comfortable holes in them in which you must successfully navigate the rest of the body to get to. In addition, they both arrive wet and full of energy, then they both unleash their fury and "mudslides". And in the end, they both take off with most of your stuff. On the positive, hurricanes provide an excellent opportunity for George W. Bush to show how little how much he loves black people. Earthquake :For more information, see main article: Earthquake If you have ever wondered if it was possible to "shake the gay" out of all the pinkos in California? You are not alone, but unfortunately it doesn't work...God has repeatedly tried this, in the form of Earthquakes. Strangely it only seems to exacerbate the situation. As mentioned, earthquakes only happen in godless states such California and Nevada, and sometimes in Alaska (to keep the bears on their toes). Although it is of lesser importance to know how earthquakes occur rather than just why, still some theories exist explaining their cause. One explanation could be that earthquakes are a result of cave ins of the millions of miles of tunnels dug by illegal aliens in southern California. Earthquakes are also speculated to occur as a result of seismic waves traveling through the Earth when every Chinese person decides to jump up and down at the same time. Flood Floods are an Act of God that offers a greater amount of photo ops than your average disaster. What other disaster would you be able to see pictures of Firemen rescue kittens from trees? Or people rowing canoes down Main St.? Or even the oft-used cliché photograph of Black people looting convenience stores? Good luck finding another such disaster. Floods most often occur near or below sea level. So the best way in which one could avoid being involved in a flood, is to not live in flood prone areas. It is surprising how many people don't realize this after even after their house is under 15 feet of water. Floods provide some benefits to the environment and humans as well. Floods can transport aquatic animals to new habitat, from pond to pond, or river to river, or even house to house if the water is high enough. They also provide extra days off from work for the evacuated while at the same time refilling their swimming pools. problem?]] Wildfires Wildfires or "Forest Fires" are another useful tool used by God to keep nature in check. What better way to stop the never ending advance of vegetation towards our cities than by burning it? More importantly it disrupts the activities of the creatures who live in the forest. Nothing muddles the plots of bears and nature-worshiping hippies more than a 2500° F firestorm speeding towards them at 35 mph. Wildfires are always caused by either lightning or dragons. Furthermore, we can safely assume that there has never been an instance of a human causing one for fear of being instantly mauled to death by Smokey The Bear. How can one safely protect their homes from the threat of wildfires? Try making your home out of materials other than wood, or better yet, make sure your home is insulated completely with the flame-retardant asbestos, no harm will come to you then. Plague :For More Information, see main articles: The AIDS, The Black Death. Plagues and diseases of all sorts have historically been an unique way of God ridding the world of its sinners, but without the collateral damage associated with many of His other acts. For these plagues only infect those who God is displeased with-in the case of The AIDS it is often homosexuals (and sometimes blacks), and with The Black Death, it was Protestants and other Pagans that received His wrath. AIDS in particular is an opportunistic disease, meaning that it often affects people that immune deficiencies due to having a previous disease on the likes of The Herpes, Belly Ache, and Homosexuality. Plague could be spread to its intended victims through many ingenious and inventive methods. Plague could be spread through rats, anal sex, and sharing; and in the special case of AIDS, kissing. Volcano Volcanoes are a way of God rearranging the landscape when its current configuration displeases him. If he thinks a mountain is too pointy? Bam!, off goes the top. Not enough islands in the ocean? Poof!, one forms from the bottom of the sea. wasn't hurt.]] As previously mentioned, volcano erupts whenever God doesn't like something nearby. This could be something as simple as lava blocking or reverting a river to deny bears drinking water and instead create a lake for bald eagle nesting. Or eruptions can be used to kill off groups of Russians like in the eruption of Huaynaputina in 1600, or even prevent sufficient sunlight reaching the Earth-as in the "The year without a summer" in 1816. Volcanoes are a favorite fixation of many different cults. Satanists love the fire and brimstone, and Hawaiians love the human sacrifice aspect of volcanoes. But head and shoulders above the rest in their volcanophilia are the Scientologists. But of course the reason for their volcano love is top secret! Blizzard Blizzards are heavy snowstorms associated with freezing temperatures, along with high winds. Even in today's advanced technology, such events will force people to hoard canned foods, burn furniture for warmth, and ultimately cause loved ones eat each other. But a Blizzard is better known as being a delicious Ice cream treat from Dairy Queen. Our friends over at Dairy Queen are celebrating the 20th Birthday of the Blizzard with an offer of a FREE Blizzard for everyone (with the purchase of one of equal or greater value of course)!! Simply go to http://www.blizzardfanclub.com/ for your free coupon. I bet those hypothetical blizzard victims noted above wished they would have not missed the chance to get their free blizzard right about now. Stock Market Crash :For more information, see: The Invisible Hand of The Market Another disaster completely uninfluenced by the decisions of (the non-Jewish) man is a stock market crash. It is no coincidence that a bad stock market is called a Bear Market. Like a real bear, a bear market feeds on the fears (and souls) of investors, and in the process creating more fear and whining until the market collapses. In a forest fire, the only way to put out is by dumping enough water on it. The same general principal exists for solving a stock market crash, although one must substitute money for water in this case. One can prepare for a stock market crash by pulling out all their money from the banks a day or two ahead of time and then investing it in Gold, canned goods, and bullets. Why bullets, you ask? Because it seems (at least in the movies), whenever the world economy collapses into chaos the legions of flesh-eating zombies are soon to follow. Other Lesser Acts of God * Locust Swarms - * Mud Slide - Mud slides (or sometimes landslides) are a result of eating too much Chinese Food. * Meteor Impact - * Killer Bees - Believed to bee from the mythical continent of Africa, these beeings ambush unsuspecting Mexican gardeners doing landscaping in warm places such as Texas. * Avalanche - * Famine - * Drought - A drought is when Famous Acts of God It is no coincidence that many of the natural disasters cited above have occurred in the Godless State of California (and for good reason). But disasters have happened all over the world throughout history, listed below are some of the more notable. The Great Flood (2345 BC) Destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah (1953 BC) :See main article: Sodom and Gomorrah. The Destruction of Pompeii (79 AD) The Black Death (1347 AD) :See main article: The Black Death. A punishment to europeans for supporting the Protestant Reformation. Peshtigo Fire (1871 AD) It is no surprise that this happened because 97% of Wisconsin is covered with trees to begin with. San Francisco Earthquake (1906 AD) occured during gay pride parade. The Greatest Depression (1929-1939 AD) :See main article: The Greatest Depression. The Central China Floods (1931 AD) The flooding of the Yellow River caused an estimated that 3.7 to 4.0 million deaths (apparently they never passed swimming lessons)...although no one noticed because it only consisted 1/2000th of China's population. Hurricane Katrina (2005 AD) :See main article: Hurricane Katrina. act of vengeance to rid the city of new orleans of looters by drowning. Milwaukee Brewers Playoff Drought (1982 AD-2008 AD) This drought cost the managerial lives of 8 managers, and one stadium. End of the World (Date and Time Unknown) See Also *Environmental Disasters *Bear Uprising of 2012 *Righteous Anger